Part2: Roadmap to becoming a mistress through an excruciatingly slow process
We are right now 1 hour into the Tilly Trotter series (Recap of first one hour here).
Tilly now is alone and without many friends. The villagers think she is a gay witch seductress and don’t want anything to do with her. Farmer is still married and can’t do anything more than make sympathetic fart faces at Tilly. Tilly still needs a job though as all her money was burnt to crisp in the house fire and after 5 minutes of feeling sad for herself she lands a job. The owner of the village coal mine, Lord Pretty, needs a nanny to take care of his unmanageable children (3 sons and 1 daughter in case you are wondering, btw all 3 sons would have proposed to Tilly by end of the movie) and offers the position to Tilly. Tilly accepts the job because she has no other option.
Subplot Lord P: Lord P has a wife who is an invalid. What sort of ailment she suffers from?, no one knows including Lord P. The wife’s main gripe is that Lord P is always out. Lord P feels that he would not be out so much if she puts out, which she has not able to do since becoming an invalid, he literally tells her that. This intellectual discussion is obviously a setup for what comes next. He has an affair with the lady shown below.
Back to Tilly. Everyone in Lord P’s house hates her except for this one maid. Fine with Tilly, she does not need them anyway. The unmanageable children are managed and become well behaved in a matter of minutes because Tilly Trotter is also Mary Sue and she uses her Mary Sue-ness to whip the children into shape. Time passes in an idyllic fashion, in the meantime two more people who don’t matter propose Tilly. Because there are two more hours to this series, idyllic time ends.
Lord P’s wife finds out he is a big fat cheater. Lord P’s wife moves out taking the children with her and Tilly is out of a job. 2 seconds of real distress for Tilly but she moves in with this one family in the village that likes her and starts working in Lord P’s mine. One more guy proposes awesome Tilly in the meantime, no big deal.
One fine day when Tilly and the entire village are working in the mine, the mine implodes. Everyone runs for their lives except Tilly who is helping people out of her section of the mine. Lord P who is almost near the entrance of the mine realizes his ex-baby sitter is inside the mine. What could be more precious than a relationship between a cheating Lord and his ex-baby sitter? So off goes Lord P into the mine to rescue Tilly. Long and short of it is, both get trapped in the mine and something big and heavy crushes Lord P’s legs. Tilly and Lord P prepare to die. Voilà! They are rescued.
Lord P’s legs are irreparably damaged and he cannot take care of himself. He has also bonded with Tilly during the “I successfully did not save you in the mine” accident. Lord P hires Tilly as his care taker. Tilly, who is slowly recuperating from the mining ordeal, has no other job prospects and accepts this position.
It’s obvious to the entire world that Lord P holds a brightly lit beeswax candle for Tilly but Tilly is the kind of beauty who is oblivious to it. You know the kind, who is good and pretty but innocent of their own power on testosterone. Back to the storyline, Tilly is back in Lord P’s castle and the staff hates her like before. Some of the older staff give Lord P an ultimatum, either they or Tilly can remain in the house. Lord P fires all of them 3 seconds later, because honestly love is love is love.
Time passes. Meaningless subplots take place. We are now down to the last 15 minutes of the movie. Lord P confesses his “liking” of Tilly to her. He tells her he likes her a LOT. He also tells her the farmer’s wife is dead and farmer is now unattached. Tilly now sees that the path to farmer’s heart is free and runs to him. She arrives and steps into the farmers barn I think, lo behold he is having fun in the hay with the lady shown below (Lord P’s ex-mistress, who gets around a lot apparently).
Tilly sees = + on the hay.
She runs away and on her way back to Lord P’s castle guess who she runs into? You guessed it! Good Ol Rapist Ugh is back.
Subplot: Ugh is back and is eager to put into practice his good old ways, NOT RAPE #5: Really, the subplot is very simple. Ugh tells he is back and is intent on taking revenge on Tilly, tries to rape her but as they are conveniently located at the edge of a cliff, Tilly pushes him down and escapes. Tilly promptly tells Ugh’s brother he is back and did not rape her. Ugh’s brother finds a partially alive Ugh and kills him. Ugh’s brother comes back and tells Tilly he loves her and also killed his brother for her. Tilly in true Tilly fashion tells him oh, thank you very much but no. Subplot ends.
Tilly comes back to Lord P’s castle. Spends the day crying thinking about farmer. Lord P conscious of this keeps the staff busy so they don’t notice Tilly’s broken heart. This point you might think Lord P is so sweet but remember, oh! who cares! at this point think what you want. Tilly thanks Lord P for his kindness when he promptly tells her why he kept the staff busy. Tilly goes back to her room, stares into a candle for 5 seconds, runs to Lord P’s room, climbs into the bed and tells him she likes him a LOT too. She becomes his mistress. The end.
If you made it this far, you must feel the pain I felt watching Tilly Trotter. So thank you.
Oh btw, my “Rest in power” book just arrived!.
PS : I have the dictionary app and subscribe to “word of the day” . Here are the words I wanted to use but did not get to use. I lay these words out to you, so you feel like you got something educational out of this at the very least:
Spoony – Informal, foolishly or sentimentally amorous.
Pedagogy – the function or work of a teacher; teaching.
Calliopean – piercingly loud; resembling a calliope in sound.